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| Apple anyone? Look What Happened to Adam by Anna Collins (word count: 965)  I am
so OVER listening to idiots talking on their cell phones at a decibel
that makes my ears bleed. What do they have to say that is so darn
important that they need to be expounding vociferously at every possible
moment? The answer? NOTHING! No one with anything good or better yet,
interesting to say – has to say it so loud. It’s
a complete lack of manners and social etiquette. Sometimes when I’m
out in public and I’m within earshot of one of these loud humps
– and I call it earshot because it feels like you’re being
shot in the ears – I want to grab my head and start writhing
in pain like Quasimodo in the bell tower. “Make them stop,
make them stop!” Recently,
I was at the Totally Retarded Car Wash near my office for the second
time in two days on account of the first time I was there, I got my
car back filthy because they actually forgot to soap my car because
surprise! – they were talking on their cell phones. As
I waited on an outside bench for my car in the pizza-oven-like heat,
a man sat down next to me who spoke on his cell phone at the volume
of a fully jammed bowling alley. I assumed he was a mortgage broker
(an occupation I consider one rung above porn producer) because he
was bellowing to someone about a dirt bag customer of his who was
going for 100 percent financing and couldn’t get it because of
a 550 credit score and a criminal background. And he was not just
ordinary loud – he was on SPEAKER phone – the Mothership
of Obnoxiousness. Don’t you love those types? Loud isn’t
enough for them – they need to bump it up to bullhorn level.
Where’s the ball-peen hammer when you really need it? And
just when you thought cell phone users couldn’t possibly get
more insufferable – your dreams are dashed. On June 29, Apple
released the iPhone, a tiny, hand-held computer that’s a video
iPod, e-mail terminal, Web browser, camera, alarm clock, Palm-type
organizer, cell phone – and big huge status symbol.
The price? $500 for the 4-gig model and $600 for the 8-gig model (way more on eBay). At that price, they should call it the iYiYi. There’s a download capacity of 825 or 1,825 songs, respectively. And that’s becaaaause? Who even listens to a 100 songs? The only reason these large provisions exist is so you can brag to your friends that you have them. Can you imagine downloading 1,800 songs on any device? Round about 250, you’d quit trying to put cool music on there and out of sheer exhaustion and desperation would probably end up downloading Michael Bolton or Celine Dion. I can’t take those kinds of chances in my life. First of all, I abhor anything Apple. Everything is Apple specific to them – no intermingling with others. It's like a restricted country club that keeps to its own kind. If you deal with any of its products – you are locked in for life with its software, peripherals, everything. I had that iPod of Apple's with the crappy battery that loses its charge after a few months and needs a team of surgeons to replace it. When I balked at the price of replacing the battery, the snooty Apple Head at the Apple Store (because that’s where I had to specifically go for the damn thing), told me I should just buy a new iPod, mine was almost a year old anyway. Huh? Yah, let me throw a couple of C-notes at Steve Jobs every time I can’t charge the battery on that money-vacuuming icon of faux hipness. Right. You don’t want to own an iPod for more than two weeks and not be with the latest model – that would make you iUncool. I don’t give an iCrap, I’m not iBuying into it. The Apple Nazis, I believe, are neck and neck with the AOL Nazis in their quest to control our minds and wallets. Ever try to remove AOL from your computer? What’s it take – 500 or 600 tries? And you still can’t get rid of that blasted AOL instant messenger! That’s why that guy is always running – people are trying to kill him. Back to the iPhone. If you go on Apple’s Web site, it has little movies explaining the iPhone. Which of course you have to view on Quicktime or the Apple Gestapo won’t let you look at its files. Go to the movie about using the phone; the “call merging” part. To illustrate how vital it is to have this feature – you know what they use for a conversation example? Two guys and a girl planning a bike ride. I kid you not. Not a meeting or an emergency or even a hot stock tip – a bike ride!! How did we ever live without it? You know in six months Best Buy and Circuit City will be selling knockoffs of iPhone for a fraction of the cost. What? It’s inevitable. Save your money and don’t buy into all the hype. Because that’s all it is. Give yourself five minutes of peace during the day for the love of Pete. You don’t have to be IMing, surfing the Net or watching a podcast every waking minute. And if you do have to do all that junk at once – at least don’t pay top dollar for it! I better go – I’m getting a call on my metroPCS phone that I got free with my unlimited monthly minutes service. I can only text, take and send pictures, access the Web and voice activate names with it, oh yeah, and make phone calls. How plebeian. I guess you get what you pay for. Whether you need it or not. And that’s the View from this Broad.
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Copyright 2007 - Anna Collins - All Rights Reserved