BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! A fond look at Infomercials

by Anna Collins

I just love infomercials. They are one of the best inane, absurd, farcical, badly acted productions you can ever watch – besides a speech from President Bush.

Everybody in infomercials is a cum laude graduate of The School of Bad Acting. You would think they were in a silent film what with all the overexaggerated facial expressions and wild gesticulations – like they’re having a grand mal seizure for Pete’s sake. We have talkies now people – you can relax!

The infomercial's goal is to make you believe that YOU MUST BUY NOW all the dumb, overblown, totally non-essential items they’re selling or your life is going right into the crapper. These are things, they tell you, that no intelligent human being could possibly live without – and all for only three easy payments of only $39.99 per month!

Easy payments – they love saying that. What they’re really saying is: “We know a gigantic loser like you can’t make a one shot payment of $119.97 (plus shipping) and you probably aren’t even aware the total price is $119.97 (plus shipping) because you’re too stupid to add, you sad, pathetic moron, so we’ve split it up for you, that way you can still order our useless junk and not have to give up your beer and cigarette money for the month.

And you’d better HURRY and ORDER NOW because there are only 1,299,987,653,921 left! And just in case you may be waffling a little as to whether or not you should buy our totally ridiculous, unnecessary product that you will probably only use once and then try to sell on eBay – WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

IF YOU ORDER NOW – we’ll throw in absolutely FREE this complete set of Every Occasion Wax Lips! That’s right! Why put your own lips on people and risk getting a heinous virus or fatal disease when you can use the Ranko Every Occasion Wax Lips! Whether kissing your boss’ ass or kissing your cheating spouse goodbye forever – these wax lips will keep you from making real contact with those you loathe! Great for the holidays when Aunt Millie wants to slobber all over you! Or when Grandpa’s coming in for a smooch but forgot to swallow his oatmeal! BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!!

If you order NOW we’ll include the Let-Me-Eat-All-the-Pizza-and-Ice-Cream-I-Can-Cram-Into-My-Face Ab Cruncher! ABSOLUTELY FREE!! That’s right! Gorge on pizza and/or your favorite ice cream while you get firm, ROCK HARD ABS! Snarf away – WHILE YOU EXCERCISE! This AH-MAZING AB MACHINE will give you abs like Pamela Anderson while you chow like Kirstie Alley!! You get ALL THIS for the low monthly price of only $19.95!! For 937 months. AH-MAZING!! Call the number on your screen now: 1-800-IM-A-DILLHOLE. That’s 1-800-IM-A-DILLHOLE. But WAIT! There’s MORE! When your order arrives – the mailman will personally SLAP YOU ACROSS THE FACE THREE TIMES HARD for being such a DUMBASS!! ORDER NOW!

And let’s not forget The Classics. Here’s a bit of infomercial nostalgia.

The Pocket Fisherman – Remember that one? Nothing like reelin’ in a large-mouth bass with one of those babies, huh? I know when I think fishing rod, I think foldable.

The Thighmaster – Sounds more like a Japanese porn star doesn’t it? A boyfriend I once had gave me one as a Christmas gift. When I tried using it, it immediately shot out from between my legs and caught him in the neck. Now it’s Neckmaster, you cheap jerk.

The Clapper – A classic. This item alleviates you from that arduous task of flipping a light switch. Just clap your hands and lo! There is light. And we saw the light and we saw that it was good. Gives the consumer a God complex – for only $9.99. (That’s a shorter distance and a lot cheaper than parochial school)

The No-Money Down Real Estate Course – Because each month they keep automatically debiting your bank account for phony reasons until – surprise! You have no money to put down. By the same people who brought you the No-Medical-License Surgery Course.

The Ginsu Knife – For our inner slasher. The granddaddy of ‘em all. Why you need such a sharp knife with so many ancillary knives is a question only forensics can answer.

And finally, my own idea for an infomercial, inspired by many of my elementary school teachers:

THE NEW ANNACO THINKING CAP™ FOR HELPING YOU MAKE ALL THE RIGHT DECISIONS!! LET’S LISTEN TO THIS POOR SCHMUCK:

“Gee, I wonder if I should date a pot-smoking, unemployed, blues guitarist who has three kids and a baby mama living with him, but who’s really cute and funny? My parents say it’s a recipe for madness? What should I do?”

JUST PUT ON THE ANNACO THINKING CAP™ AND AFTER A FEW SECONDS – THE ANSWER GETS TRANSMITTED FROM THE UNIVERSAL INTELLIGENCE DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BRAIN CELLS USING OUR PATENTED “SMART SENZE” TECHNOLOGY!!

THE THINKING CAP SAYS: “YES – DATE HIM!! Everybody knows that listening to your parents only means living a boring, unadventurous life filled with self-serving clandestine parental agendas designed solely to eventually make you their house slave when they reach old age!” AH-MAZING!! ORDER NOW! Offer void where prohibited by logic.

Excuse me now, I can’t type anymore because I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP!

And that’s the view from this broad.

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