"A View From a Broad"
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Internet Dating or FullaBaloney.com

By Anna Collins
(word count: 971)

A while back, okay two months ago, I temporarily lost my mind and thought I needed to once again, open myself up to drama, uncertainty and general malaise. In other words - a relationship.

As far as relationships go, I've had them - just like I've had migraines and really bad cramps. They were fun while they lasted, but I was relieved when they were gone.

Then I forget about the bad stuff and get nostalgic for the companionship of the male species; a warm body lying next to me in bed, a masculine arm draped over me as I slept, and the soft rumblings of early morning flatulence. So at the prompting of my well-meaning friends, I decided to try online dating.

Personally, I think I'm too crazy to be in a real relationship but I was seduced by all those nifty commercials on TV. You know the ones that feature beaming couples giddy with love? They can't say enough adoring things about each other. "He's the love of my life", says she, with puppy dog eyes. "I LOVE this woman!" says he, giving her a squeeze. Wow. After I stopped hurling, I thought, "This will be everlasting love, this will be the one I've waited for, this will be the first time anyone can stand meeee-ee."

I figured the best that could happen is that I might actually meet a nice guy and the worst that could happen is that I'd write about it. Hello.

I joined two popular services, one that rhymes with disharmony.com and one that rhymes with the word that means to "grab quickly" - snatch. Rigorous questions were asked at disharmony. You were matched up by sophisticated computer technology at a "deeper level." Deeper level? Here's my deeper level: Is he cute? Call me superficial, but a guy can have the spiritual awareness of Gandhi and the soul of Barry White, but it don't mean Jack Nicholson if he looks like Don Knotts.

I went on three dates. One looked sorta like his picture only bald and he had the remarkable personality of a house plant. One was at least 20 lbs heavier with ass breath, and one, whom I deduced did not post a recent picture, looked like he had sent his grandfather in his place. Gee, you mean men lie?

Another thing about disharmony.com - you can't peruse the merchandise. They send YOU the matches. No looking around, ranking on people and seeing what's what. You'll vill take vhat we giff you and you vill be happy wit it! Jawohl. And I'm paying for this? If I needed to be matched up with guys who have no appeal to me whatsoever - I'd listen to my mother.

Not so with snatch. This is Satan's Candy Store. You can look and look and look. "It's okay to look." Lots of seemingly delectable treats. You can spend hours perusing profiles of eligible, eager men just dying to meet the women of their dreams. Really. That's what they say in their profiles. I had no idea how many men love "walks on the beach", "candle-lit dinners" and the pressing, aching urge to "find their soul-mate". I couldn't believe my luck! So this is where all the sensitive, caring men are.

I set to work finding the man of my screams - I mean dreams. Again, I gave it three shots. This was after rummaging through hundreds of pictures. I'll admit it was tough to choose, what with all the enticing photos.

Hmm..whom should I pick? The guy posing in a wife-beater Tee leaning up against a Mustang with his pit bull by his side? Or the grinning guy holding up a beer mug, with two scantily clad women and a suspicious looking pole in the background? How about the guy in a tuxedo standing at an altar with the other half of the picture torn away? Or the big burly guy holding a Chihuahua with the caption: Me and My little girl. I kid you not.

I finally settled on three relatively normal looking guys that were in a whole picture not with the odd arm or hand of some female on them, or surrounded by 18 dogs in the back of a 4 X 4 truck. Also, the guys I chose were all fully clothed, as enticing as some guys think it is to pose shirtless, displaying their Bud stomachs or gorilla arms.

I've re-written this paragraph five times now trying to describe those three dates and all I can say is it all came down to one thing: SEX. None of the men I met were even remotely interested in what their profiles said they wanted. None of them were looking for a meaningful relationship, soul mate or any of that B.S. They were all just looking for one thing: pee-pee in the cha-cha. But they had the wording in their profiles down - to exactly what a woman wants to hear to get her interested. Man, it's a whole new arena of deception. And if you're not going to give it up - NEXT! The next unsuspecting chump is right around the dot com corner.

It's the age-old scenario - women want "Mr Right" and guys want sex. This isn't new - it's just in a new package. But not to worry. That's why God invented gay male friends - so women could actually have a man genuinely interested in shopping and how she feels. It's the law of compensation. It just gets a little dicey when you're both after the same guy.

No more Internet dating for me. I'm not bitter - just better. As far as relationships go, I'm now in a very loving, caring and meaningful one. With myself. And I don't expect anything from me after a nice dinner.

And that's the View from this Broad.

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