What
Smells? The Wacky World of Perfumes
By Anna Collins
(word count: 751)
Why is it that cheap perfume always
smells the worst and lasts the longest? And contrary to popular belief,
wearing cheap perfume does not make you smell like a French whore.
Most French whores are in France – they have access to French
perfumes at affordable prices because they already live there. If
we wore the same perfumes the French whores wore, we’d have to
pay an import tax, business tax, port tax and before you know it,
it’s back to being an expensive perfume. Sacré bleu!
Conversely, most expensive perfumes you put on in this country last
about five minutes and then you can’t smell a thing. Unless the
perfume is Angel, which can only be sandblasted off.
And why does “good” perfume cost so darn much? What the
heck is in it that makes it so expensive? Ah, it’s not really
what’s inside it – basically they all have about
the same ingredients – eye of newt, magic juniper berries, and
flowers from the Dark Forrest. It’s really what’s outside
of it that counts. The label. You can get a decent fragrance from
Bath & Body Works for $10, but alter those same ingredients a
wee bit, slap a designer brand label on it – like the double
“C's” of Chanel – which incidentally stand for “chunka
change” – and up goes the ante.
Did you know if you don’t use
a perfume in a certain amount of time it can go bad? Once I received
a pricey bottle of Bulgari which looks like the word “Bvlgari.”
Hello. We’re not in ancient Rome anymore. You’d think with
all their money they could get Vanna White to sell them a decent “u”.
Bvt I digress.
The Bulgari had that expensive smell
to it – you know the kind – it wasn’t a soft lovely
fragrance, it was more of an aggressive I may not be pretty but
I’m expensive smell. Then after about eight months it got
that I’m not pretty, I’m still expensive, and now I smell
like your grandfather’s feet smell.
And how annoying is it when you’re in the store perusing the
perfume counters and those perfume ninjas come jumping out at you?
Suddenly, I’m in a surreptitious scene from Crouching Tiger Hidden
Salesgirl. She’s holding up a bottle with a crazed look in her
eye going: Want to try some OBSESSION?
Obsession? Hell no! I’ve got
enough obsessions; too numerous to name here. I don’t need one
that’s a perfume, too. What if I run out and the mall is closed?
Will I be cruising bad neighborhoods at 2 a.m. looking for it? Selling
my coffee table for just “one more whiff?” Scratching the
inside of my forearm hoping for a spritz. I don’t need this kind
of complication in my life.
Really, who comes up with these names? Like Calvin Klein’s Eternity.
Egads! I don’t want any smell for eternity. Once I’m in
the afterlife, no more worrying about my roots or how I smell. I’m
relaxing.
Or how about Jacomo’s Paradox. It’s light enough
to enjoy, yet still very noticeable. Hmm.
Or Naomi Campbell’s Naomi Campbell. You wear it and people
start throwing telephones at you.
Or Dolce & Gabbana’s Sicily. If you buy the large
size, it comes with a coupon for a free “whack” and a pepperoni
calzone. With all due respect.
How about Adidas’ Fruity Rhythm? Great for disco dancing
at the gay bar.
Maybe Christian Dior’s Hypnotic
Poison? You spray it on, cut work and watch "Jerry Springer."
For the knowledge thirsty, there’s Esté Lauder’s
Knowing. You wear it and suddenly blurt out – The square
root of 49 is 7! Ex-Lax is really old chocolate! In the theorem of
penusian tests and results it has unequivocally and without a doubt
been universally determined that – size does matter!
Britney Spears has a perfume called Curious. You wear it and
wonder: Should I drink the whole bottle of vodka or leave half for
later? Isn’t underwear just an accessory anyway? I wonder if
shaving my head will save me time in the morning?
For those of you on a budget who maybe can’t afford your favorite
‘fume this month – here’s a tip from Auntie Anna –
wear a page from a magazine! You know those scented pages in "Cosmo,"
"Vague" and "Bizarre?" Tear it out and dab a paragraph
behind each ear. When someone asks, “What is that lovely fragrance
you’re wearing?” Smile coquettishly and say, “Page
6.”
Should I go on? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because I’m
wearing Perhaps.
And that’s the View from this
Broad.
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