Am I There Yet? What To Do on a Solo Road Trip

by Anna Collins

It's summertime. A great time to visit friends and family we haven’t seen for a while. And sometimes you have to make that trip alone. In the car.

We've all been there. You have to go on a long road trip by yourself and no matter how hard you try, you can't A) invite anyone to drive with you; B) coerce anyone to drive with you; or C) get out of the drive altogether. So you gas up and sally forth (even though your name isn’t Sally).

Flash forward

Now you're in your car and you're just far enough away from home that the radio stations start to get fuzzy. Every so often there’s some guy breaking through in a foreign language saying what sounds like, "Umba goola, moola, Goran? Goran?" Suddenly you’re in that Radio Free Europe zone.

Cursing, you turn off the radio and stare in silence at the endless stretch of road in front of you. Sullen and bored, you just thank God that at least you don't have to pee yet. You’ve listened to all your CDs at least twice and if you have to hear Mark Knopfler and Emmylou sing “All the Road Running” one more time you’re going to be running off the road!

But it doesn't have to be that way. Oh, nay, nay. Why not make the most of your alone time by constructively using those hours to do a variety of productive things? Make it a special time with yourself. Get down with you. For instance, you could –

Reflect on your Life

It's always good to take a long, introspective look at yourself. I'm not sure why this is, but that's what people say. What better time than a nice long, road trip?

First, think of all the really good moves you've made in your life. OK, that two minutes is over. Now the mistakes. Although quite entertaining, this can be dangerous to do, because let's face it, rehashing some of the mistakes we've made in life could trigger lots of self-loathing and even thoughts of suicide, but what the hell? You've got time for a good cry. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes.

Reflect … like the time I had really bad PMS and decided I wasn't musical enough, so I went out and bought a piano. Then I purchased the “Liberace Big Note Songbook” since I didn’t play a note. It took me four weeks to learn “She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain,” which I played solely with my two index fingers. Piano: $2,500. Songbook: $14.99. Scope of idiocy: priceless.

Reflect … or the time when I was working as a Marilyn Monroe look-alike and I forgot to wear underpants so that when I twirled in my big white dress to “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend” every guy in the Knights of Columbus hall saw my best friend.

Reflect …or the time when I was an "A" student in psychology at UMass, with a six-figure-a-year earning potential as a psychologist in front of me, which I tossed aside for a career in standup comedy making $50 a gig in towns like Bumcrack, Ind., that took me a week to drive to, and now I need a psychologist.

Maybe all this reflection crap isn't so good after all. Denial may be the way to go. Wait, I think I might have something else … in the glove compartment … right next to the .45 – yes! Here they are.

Positive Thinking CDs

Much better. Get the mind in a good positive mental state. OK, let's pop in “The Science of Personal Achievement” by Napoleon Hill. Hill talks about the “mastermind philosophy”; two or more people working in harmony through a positive mental attitude for the attainment of a definite end. Well, I'm alone in the car and that means only one mind, and a shaky one at that. No good.

I pop it out of the deck and slide in “Positive Imaging” by Norman Vincent Peale. Peale promises that by using positive imaging you can solve problems, strengthen your personality, improve your health and enhance your chances for success. With mental pictures and images, he says, there's a deep tendency in human nature to become that which what we image ourselves to be. Fifteen minutes later, after some vicious imaging, I look down at myself and I'm still not a size 3 with waist-length natural blonde hair driving a Porsche. OK, maybe I'm a little impatient. What else is on here? I skip over the part about procrastination and make a mental note to get back to it later.

Now what? I got it! The best solution of all.

Take out your cell phone and call everybody you've ever known in your whole entire life

There it is! Yakking, jawing and working your mouth like it was in the pie hole olympics. Geez, I can’t believe I didn’t list this one first, especially with me being the yammering funfest that I am. What is it about being in the car alone that compels you to call someone? Anyone. Everyone. Besides making the time pass, you’ll get to say important stuff like, "Hi, it’s me. I guess I got your machine ... um ... I’m just driving and um ... I thought I’d give you a call so um ... call me back. This is Anna? I sat next to you in third grade?”

So what if you run up your cell phone a bazillion minutes over your limit and you won’t be able to eat for two months. Life is all about learning.

And as you finally pull into your destination, after hours on the road, thousands of dollars in gas and an experience of self-reflection that’s made your teeth grind, you definitely have learned at least one thing.

Next time they can visit you.

And that’s the view from this broad.

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