"A View From a Broad"
as seen on
LiveWeston.com

Here's my Column - Now Tip Me
by Anna Collins
(word count: 939)

Here's my column, now tip me. Ridiculous right? But not that much more ridiculous than every other Tom, Dick and Jorge that feels because they are doing exactly what they're supposed to do and are getting paid to do it, you should still tip them extra. Huh?

Like a stalking ex lover - that tip jar seems to be popping up everywhere these days. Today's column is about ridiculous, unwarranted tipping.

Look, I can see waiters and waitresses and bartenders expecting tips - that's the drill - that's how they make their living - but the dry cleaners? A friend of mine actually saw a tip jar at his dry cleaners. What the hell does that mean? If you don't tip - next time will you get your shorts back with the marinara stain still in them? Will they start to look at you with disdain, like you're one of those yearly visitors from the way up North province that has a name that rhymes with "oh, heck" and never tips?" BUT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TIP - IT'S THE DRY CLEANERS!

It's just getting absurd. Dunkin' Donuts has a tip jar at the window in the drive-through. The drive through! You're driving through for cripe's sakes, no one's waiting on your bad self. Is it too much for the drones to actually hand you stuff through a window? That requires moving their lazy arses 2 feet from the coffee machine to the window - my, what an arduous task! I can see how they should get tipped. NOT. Most of the time because of the crackerjack help, that drive through moves at the speed of a glacier and they should tip us for tolerance. Hello! You work in a caffeine shop - maybe you might want to take a sip every now and then and get some energy instead of worrying about how to squeeze change out of the customers.

It's everywhere you go - the tip jar. At the mechanic's, at gas stations, at grocery stores, even in Japanese restaurants next to the sushi and hibachi grill. This is their JOB to work the grill and make sushi. Chefs get paid to do what they do - it's called a skill. An occupation. Not an extra duty. Also, don't you hate it when you see that tip jar and it already has money in it when you know you're the first customer? Like they're setting an example. Yeah, $39.95 for raw fish on a toy boat just isn't tapping my wallet enough.

And don't get me wrong; I'm a very good tipper at restaurants and bars. I always leave at least 20% for my server, because I understand this is how they make a living. But there is no way I'm tipping some guy that holds the door for me as I leave the place. For what? I'm generous, but not I'm not a sheep-like idiot with useless arms. It's unneeded, unwarranted, mooching.
I feel the same way about bathroom attendants. Whoever came up with that repulsive job anyway? For a person to stand around listening to people relieve themselves - and then pretend it's interesting - is beyond weird. There's GOT to be another job out there. I absolutely, positively refuse to tip anyone while I'm in the can. It's makes no sense to pay someone money because you just did your business and they handed you a towel after you washed your hands. Have I suddenly moved to the Bizzaro world?

I was a standup comedian for a number of years, and talk about getting crap for pay. But it was my choice. I never once put a tip jar on the stage. Some of the audiences I played to would probably have peed in it anyway. But never mind my hell gigs at the Chuckle Hut, the fact remains that was my job.

What's next? Tipping your therapist? How about that one? Talk about intimidation; you go to pay for your session with a credit card and when you get the slip back, there's a line for a tip. What do you do? Palm the shrink, or continue hating your mother for the rest of your life? (The obvious answer would be whatever gets you out of the most family get togethers.)

Or how about the plastic surgeon? Ooo, there's a whole untapped market. They could get a lot of extra cash from all the lip plumping, face lift ladies. No tippy, no lippy. And you'll still look like a Shar-pei.

Or that guy Bush who called himself president. Maybe he should put a tip cup on his podium when he gives the State of the Union address; hey, you like my speech, tip me. And he'd better have one of those "take a penny leave a penny" plates handy - after all, we wouldn't want to over tip.

The only one I could see tipping out of real fear would be your account. "Collins, I can save you about $5,000 on your taxes - however, uh, let's see, at 20% - my tip is $1,000, uh, completely optional of course - it's not like if you didn't tip me I'd purposely tell the IRS that you tried to deduct a French maid's outfit from La Lust and a case of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay as necessary items for business meetings. What kind of writer are you anyway?"

So when it comes to tipping - please tip your wait staff generously, but don't be bullied into tipping inappropriately. Think out of the jar.

Oh, just in case, my paypal payment address for tipping is annaco@comcast.net.

And that's the view from this broad.

Questions, comments or places to send presents? Email me: annaco@comcast.net.

to top