by Anna Collins
 So
if you haven’t put the
noose around your neck because you didn’t have a date for New
Year’s Eve, relax – you have yet another opportunity –
Valentines’ Day. Oh the joy – smooching couples, overpriced
candy and rushing to Publix (or the guy at the traffic light) to get
flowers at the last minute. What a treat!
Oh, I’m just kidding. Let’s
not harp on the negative – oh dear. Harps! Harps play love songs,
usually in that arpeggiated style when cupid is about to shoot his
fateful arrow. Some of us get shot right through the heart, some in
the butt, and some, quite obviously, in the brain. That’s when
we completely lose our senses and do things like wait for hours by
the phone for ‘the call’, check the e-mail every 10 seconds,
drink and dial, drink and text, drink and drive-by, drink and drink.
Ah love – like luck, it does not like to be chased, but ironically,
when it finally finds you, there’s no escape.
And love takes many forms. Relationships
have a plethora of themes – as diverse as the people involved
in them. So take heart, if you haven’t found your soul mate yet,
there’s always the movies, where love reigns supreme, extreme
and forever more.
Here are some of my favorite movie
couples, along with what they can teach us about reel-life love:
Morticia and Gomez Addams
The Addams Family, 1991, Anjelica Huston and Raul Julia
From TV to the silver screen, you knew these two were always doing
it, although how Gomez ever got Moticia’s dress off still remains
a mystery. Gomez’s famous line, “Tish, I love it when you
speak French!” became a synonym for foreplay. That’s all
Morticia had to do – one vous lez vous and she was on her way
to the garden of ghastly delights. She even wore the same dress every
day – and still got a little sumpin’ sumpin’. No trips
to Vicky’s Secret, no having to get some dumb ass maid’s
costume and a feather duster from the Hustler store – just uttering
a few foreign words was enough. And this ghoulish duo really did believe
in ‘till death do us part. (Note: The rumor that Morticia enjoyed
the manual dexterity of Thing when Gomez was worn out is strictly
hearsay.)
Love lesson: Contrary to what your mother told you, you can
wear just black and find a man who loves you.
Loretta Castorini and Ronny Cammareri
Moonstruck, 1987, Cher and Nicolas Cage
The backdrop of this beautiful fairy tale is a luminous full moon
that seems to take everyone in its path under its spell. In the far
away exotic land of Brooklyn, Loretta, who’s engaged to one brother,
Johnny, falls in love with the other brother, Ronny. But you really
can’t blame Loretta since Johnny is a 40-something mama’s
boy who runs off to Sicily every time his mother has to blow her nose.
Okay, he’s Italian, so you have to cut him some slack in the
mama arena, but even still, he exceeds the slack-cut. In his absence,
Loretta meets Johnny’s one-handed baker brother Ronny, and they
fall madly in lust. But they have to sneak around, obviously, since
Loretta is engaged to Johnny. Madone! At one point, Loretta, after
a hot hook-up with Ronny, feels guilty and tells him they have to
cease and desist their affair. Loretta slaps Ronny across the face
and yells at him to “Snap out of it!” Of course, he doesn’t,
and neither does Loretta. Eventually Johnny comes marching home again
and there’s a big Italian confrontation with yelling, screaming,
and making up –all with a pot of sauce simmering on the stove.
After the dust settles, true love triumphs and Loretta and Ronny are
together and looking forward to years of Italian wedded bliss with
lots of yelling, screaming, and making up –all with a pot of
sauce simmering on the stove.
Love lesson: If a guy chooses his mother over you – find
another guy, even if it’s his brother.
Count Dracula and Lucy Seward
Dracula, 1979, Frank Langella and Kate Nelligan
Three words for Count Vladimir Von Dracula – dead and hot! First
of all, Frank Langella as the neck-biting, sex-oozing, undead hottie
is the epitome of vampiric allure, giving definitive meaning to the
phrase “Who’s your Vladdy?” That thick black hair,
that creamy skin, that sensuous mouth waiting to suck the life out
of you – and he’s a night person – with money. Now,
were I Lucy, who would I choose as my amour? My current boyfriend,
Jonathan Harker, a guy with diminutive incisors, whose best claim
to fame is that he’s a lawyer (get the barf bag) or the seductive,
charming and velvety smooth Transylvanian count who’s ready for
quality time in a double wide coffin every day at sunrise? Yeah, okay
he’s dead and he killed her best friend, but nobody’s perfect.
And this Dracula is a soulful, sensual romanticist – the chemistry
he and Lucy share is enough to wake the dead. Lucy and Drac fall madly,
deeply and without reservation for each other. The best scene of the
whole movie is when Dracula is invited to dinner and he and Lucy are
in her parlor listening to music on the victrola, when Lucy asks him
to dance. The ensuing pas de duex is one of the sexiest, most romantic
scenes you’ll ever see in a Dracula movie. Those were the days
– when women were women and men were vampires.
Love lesson: Just because someone can’t take you to sunny
a Caribbean island, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give him
a chance. There’s plenty of fun to be had when the sun goes down.
Phil Connors and Rita
Groundhog Day, 1993, Andie McDowall and Bill Murray
Wouldn’t it be great to be able to have the time to mold yourself
into exactly what the object of your desire wants? When arrogant weatherman
Phil Connors starts falling for his sexy producer, Rita, he finds
that seducing her is not so easy. Lucky for him, he and his crew have
come to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania for a story on Groundhog Day that
just happens to land him in a bizarre time warp, that only he is aware
of. Phil keeps waking up and reliving the same day over and over again.
Taking advantage of his time instead of killing himself, Phil becomes
a pianist, an expert in French poetry, a humanitarian and then memorizes
all the things his potential amour loves – what she drinks, what
books she likes, etc. How romantic - to have a man stuck in a heinous
time warp and have him think of ways to please you instead of taking
a revolver to his head. The most touching scene of the movie is when
Phil and Rita sleep together with their clothes on and Phil realizes
that he really loves Rita as a person and could actually be happy
not taking her clothes off. Remember when that happened to you? Neither
do I.
Love lesson: Take advantage of your time to better yourself.
And then pretend it all comes naturally.
But wait! There’s more!
Here’s a bonus list of other
fabulously romantic movie couples that I can’t describe as deeply
as the aforementioned because I am dangerously close to exceeding
my word count, so you’ll just have to trust me on these:
Armand and Albert Goldman
The Bird Cage, 1996, Robin Williams and Nathan Lane
Oh, the trials and tribulations of being, married, gay and doting
parents. Fun, fabulous and shot in Miami.
Dr. Stephen Flemming and Anna Barton
Damage, 1992, Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche
Obsessive, ultra hot and damagingly taboo.
Deanie Loomis and Bud Stamper
Splendor in the Grass, 1961, starting Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty
Love makes you crazy. Really.
Anna Scott and William Thacker
Notting Hill, 1999, Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant
You never know who you’ll fall in love with.
Allie Hamilton and Noah Calhoun
The Notebook, 2004, Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling
The ultimate chick flick. Every woman’s dream: a man who loves
and adores her unconditionally no matter what.
Vincent Mancini and Mary Corleone
The Godfather Part III, 1990, Andy Garcia and Sophia Coppola
Watching Vinnie get behind Mary to help her make pasta is something
you’ll never see on Food Network.
Oscar Hopkins and Lucinda Leplastrier
Oscar and Lucinda, 1997, Cate Blanchett and Ralph Fiennes
As the tag line reads: A dream. A lie. A wager. Love.
Now, get yourself a few pints of Ben
and Jerry’s or a nice cosmo with extra lime some p-corn, pop
in a DVD and zone out. You’ll get the love vibes watching these
movies and according to the Law of Attraction, if you’re vibrating
in a happy loving way, your true love can’t help but come to
you. Honest. Really. I swear to God. But you gotta believe.
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