by Anna Collins
(words: 976
 It’s
that time of year again – time to stock up on flashlights, umpteen
boxes of “D” batteries (and a few “Cs” for those
“lonely” nights), time to restrain yourself from telling
hack B.J. jokes, and most importantly, time to stock the liquor cabinet.
That’s right folks, let’s give a warm round of applause
to that recurring yearly phenomenon that we hope will never perform
for us again, give it up for – The Hurricane! (groans, sighs
and sounds of “ugh” from the crowd).
God, I hate that part of living in Florida. But hurricanes are the
tradeoff we all pay for the advantages of living in the Sunshine State;
beautiful beaches, café con leche served at the local Shell
station and being able to wear a tube top in January, to name a few.
Whining won’t make getting prepared for a disaster any easier,
but wine will, so let’s get down to business. As usual, I will
offer one of my easy-to-follow lists.
Anna’s Hurricane Preparedness List Stuff
You’ll Need
Batteries and Flashlights: Chances are you have 700 batteries
and 12 flashlights left over from last year, but darn! If only you
could remember where you put them. So buy some more and be sure and
go to Loew’s or Home Depot at the last minute to get them so
you can have the full “annoying hurricane chore” effect
of waiting in line for two hours behind the guy with the 800 pieces
of plywood and duct tape, who has no I.D. and will be writing a check
from the bank of Gwamba for his purchases.A battery powered television:
Not for the weather – you already know it sucks outside –
but you’re certainly not going to miss General Hospital because
of a stupid Cat 5, are you?
A Surfboard: In case there’s a storm surge, you may as
well take advantage of it. Nothing like catching that perfect wave
– off the roof of your house.Prescription Drugs: For those of
you who got stuck with certain relatives or neighbors and may again,
I cannot stress how important the use of prescription drugs can be
to get you back to your “happy, tolerant place”.Extra phone
batteries: See next item.
 Important
Documents: Keep’em in a zip lock and know where they are.
When your wife-beater-tee-wearing-empty-whiskey-bottle-holding ex
comes banging on your door because his doublewide got blown away and
you call the police because you were smart enough to keep extra phone
batteries - you don’t want to be a dumbass scrambling around
looking for that restraining order when they arrive.
Clean underwear: Let me not have to explain this one, people.
You never know whom you’ll meet when the ‘lectricity goes
out and everybody has to empty his or her freezers for the big community
gas grill, BBQ shindig, drunk fest. “Hurricane Love” could
be just around the corner. (Hint: Guys, don’t even think of wearing,
“I was Blown by Wilma” undies, unless your last name is
Flintstone.) more>>
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