Hurricane Preparedness (cont.)

Essential Beverages and Food

Beverages: Anything alcoholic. All hard liquors, cognacs, wines, beers, aperitifs, liqueurs, Robitussin and Nyquil.

And what’s that other liquid thing people keep constantly harping at you to have? Ummm…Oh yeah...

Water: Get some water.

Food: Chips, cheez-whiz, Cheez-its, M&Ms (peanuts and plain),
Little Debbie anythings, those round Ferrero Rocher Hazelnut Chocolates that pretend to be high class, but you can get at Walgreen’s and Publix, and some spicy Slim Jims just for good measure. Hint: SJs are awesome with Nyquil. It is an acquired taste, however.I know, you’re saying, “Oh, Anna, everyone knows to bring all that. It’s a given.”

You’re right, I just didn’t want you to panic and buy healthy crap when you couldn’t remember the list. This way it’s written down.Remember: Refrain from purchasing any health foods like granola bars, flax seeds or mung bean nuggets. They have no bartering power. If food starts to run out, a fresh bag of Cheetos, Fritos, Cape Cod Chips or Ding-Dongs have clout. One guy in my building actually got laid for a large Baby Ruth bar. I’m not sayin’ it’s right – but I understand.No one’s interested in fat grams, calories or cholesterol levels when we could all perish at any moment. Hedonism and bad nutrition are de riguer. For cripe’s sake, a hurricane is probably one of the few times you can eat like a stoner and not have the Whole Foods groupies on your back. And believe me, I’ve seen a few of those wheat-grass swigging humps chomping on a Milky Way and washing it down with a Mountain Dew during the last storm. So rock on.

Where to Stay if You Have to Evacuate

My first choice would be the Ritz, in Paris, but it’s so hard to get reservations on short notice.


Hotels and motels: When it’s time to go, don’t wait until the last minute to evacuate. I’m telling you, all the good hotels and motels – Motel 8, Knight’s Inn, and La Quinta - which translated, actually means behind Denny’s - will be taken. Make a reservation somewhere just in case, ‘cause if you don’t, you’re going to want to gouge out your own eyeballs if you have to stay in a shelter. Have you ever seen the Feng Shui in a shelter? Yikes. Your Chi will be all over the place.

Friends: If you’re staying with friends, make sure they’re good, solid friends. Preferably ones with sinus conditions that have trouble breathing. Nothing kills a friendship quicker than the aroma produced by the lack of a daily shower. As my dear Grandma Collins used to say: “After three days, fish and company start to stink. Goddammit.” She should know – she was European.

Your car: Provided it’s in another state.That about covers it. Take care during this June to November weather watch. May you all stay high and dry, my dear readers. And I mean that, literally and figuratively.

And that’s the view from this broad.

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