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At the Neck & Fang Club - Midnight
Show: "I'm a little new at this Vampire
thing," I begin, looking out at a sea of black capes and ashen
faces, "I think I need more practice. Like this past winter-I
was in Boston trying to suck up to some old friends….(mild laughter)….and
it was COLD-30 below! I tried sinking my fangs into this one guy but
I just ended up giving him frostbite. And then all I got was a head
rush." (Decent laughs. So far so good.) "So, I'm a single gal. But I'm
trying to find a nice guy-someone I can spend oh three or four hundred
years with. I hate dating though, especially as a vampire: So what's
your favorite blood type? Do you bite on the first date? Blah, blah,
blah. Then at the end of the night when they take you home, they expect
to get in the coffin with you. As if! I'm old fashioned-I think you
should date a guy for at least a century before you sleep with him."
"Then I met Vladimir. Vlad for
short. A few months ago I went to New York to look for fresh faces.
I met Vlad at a Blood Tasting event in Soho. We both went crazy for
an O Positive that had a distinct, fruity bouquet; apparently from
some gay guy who owned a gallery. (Those artsy types always taste
so good!) Vlad's so much more interesting than a mortal. I mean, how
many mortals remember the French Revolution let alone have lived through
it! There's just so many pluses dating a Vampire. Vampires aren't
afraid of long-term relationships, they're rarely interested in arguing
religion and you know you'll never ever get bugged to go to parasailing. And isn't that 'shape shifting' thing
to die for! Pun intended. One minute you're having an aorta cocktail
and the next minute you're a bat hanging upside down in a belfry.
What a hoot! Personally, I think that upside down bat thing is just
as good if not better, for the complexion than the Downward Facing
Dog pose I did in yoga when I was alive. And I don't have to pay $20
bucks a class to do it! But my favorite is the superhuman
strength thing. When I was a mortal, it took me about four times a
week in the gym to build enough strength to bench press 60 lbs. Last
night, after I sucked his blood, I flung a guy that weighed about
a buck eighty, clear across a Target parking lot. With one hand! Personal
trainer my ass! I like the new fangled approach! (Applause) Of course being a Vampire is not all
organ music and dark castles. I'm facing certain challenges. Like
I always have cold feet, I look horrible in pastels and I haven't
worn a bikini since the dirt nap. Still, with all the money I'm saving
on tanning lotion, I'm having my fangs whitened! Yeah, it's all about
good grooming isn't it? (sounds of approval) And by the way, speaking of good grooming…I
have some gossip. You know that famous Vampire that was sitting in
Trader Vic's sipping a piña colada? From the Warren Zevon song?
Well, his hair was not perfect! I know the bartender there
and he said that when you got up close, you could see the guy had
plugs! How weird is that? Nothing is ever what you think it
is. Okay, before I say: (in Transylvanian
accent) Good Evening, here are some jokes you can take to the
grave with you: How many mortals does it take to screw
in a lightbulb? How many vampires does it take to
screw the bulb in the sunlamp? What's a vampires' favorite place
to live?
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Was A Vampire ComicCopyright 2007 - Anna Collins - All Rights Reserved